Please, be patient with me as I make my way through this. It is important for me to include all that is to come because I am an authentic writer - what I feel is what you will ALWAYS get…
As I fumble along, I ask that you fumble with me… I promise, I'm going somewhere with this!
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Revelationz is my "baby" - -my ultimate vision and goal- aside from becoming Ms. Natural Olympia. I have held on to it for thirty-five years.
After my first competition in 1985 (I was thirteen years old), I decided I wanted to become Ms. Olympia and have my own gym. I wanted to share my passion for bodybuilding and fitness with others by becoming a personal trainer.
After my second competition at the age of fifteen, I felt that a "gym" was not what I truly wanted. It felt too basic and limited - like it needed to be much more. However, I didn't know what "more" could be. I kept training and my vision grew and matured as I did.
My educational goal was to have a double major -psychology and kinesiology. I became fascinated with the mind/body connection at around eleven years old… Well, no, wait a minute.
My timeline is getting messed up…
… I believe I need to go back a bit farther.
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I sucked my thumb as a little girl . It infuriated my father. He would yell and curse at me every time he saw me sucking my thumb. As I grew older, I learned that the look upon his face when he saw the tremendous overbite it caused was a look of pure disgust. That look is burned into my minds eye as is his violent outbursts declaring that sucking my thumb was going to give me big lips….
WHAT?!?…. Still can't figure that one out!
He went to drastic extremes to make me stop: hot sauce on my thumbs, making me sit on my hands or with my hands behind my back for hours. The ultimate was the night he came home drunk. He opened my bedroom door. I was asleep but awoke slightly when the door opened. I saw the light from the kitchen and smelled alcohol. There was a loud noise and immense pain shot through my body. Then nothing.
I came to the next morning covered in blood with gashes in my left thumb- down to the bone. My dad had opened my door, saw me sucking my thumb and punched me. He knocked me out.
I couldn't have been more than five years old.
After cleaning up the dried blood and changing my sheets, I vowed he would never see me suck my thumb again. Time went on and I hid it well; until I got tired of hiding it. I distinctively remember the day I told myself that I could stop.
I literally thought my way out of it.
At night, I would remind my self that I could not suck my thumb because he might come in and hurt me again.
I forced my self to remember the pain and blood…
Pretty harsh for a five year old!
That became my nightly routine for awhile.
One day, I was sitting on the couch, in my own little world, and I realized that I hadn't sucked my thumb in days. I felt an amazing confidence and freedom.
I was proud of me.
That was the beginning of my fascination with the mind.
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When I hit my pre-teens, I started reading magazine. Of course, it started with Teen Beat and Tiger Beat, Fave, YM, Seventeen, etc. For the life of me, I can't figure out how I made the jump to Cosmopolitan, Ebony, Jet, Elle, etc. But, I did and I would always focus on the articles about spirituality, self-help, and the body. I also studied about the mind in my dad's encyclopedias .
One article that solidified my interest was about "programming" the mind. The article gave an example of telling your mind something before you went to bed like wanting to wake up at a certain time. It just so happened that "Greystoke: the Legend of Tarzan" was premiering on The Movie Channel at 6:00 the next morning. I really wanted to see it . So, when I went to bed that night I repeated, "I will wake-up at 5:30 in the morning".
Sure enough, I woke up at 5:30 full of energy and amazed at what I had done.
After that experience, I started reading everything I could find on the power of the mind.
This took place around the time I started writing so I was nine years old. Things were getting harder to cope with at home. My dad was becoming meaner; my mother more withdrawn. I didn't have friends or family to talk to. I was alone, sad, and lonely. I began writing my feelings and fears. Writing became my best friend. It was cathartic and empowering. I'd spend hours in my room or outside on the porch just writing. I'd see a vision of something and write until my hand hurt. I had found my voice- even if it was just a whisper in my head.
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Once again, I don't remember how it happened but one day I was doing aerobics. I may not know how but I definitely know why.
I thought I was ugly.
Every part of me was ugly. I had an overbite, severe acne, long arms and thick thighs. My mother called me "darky" and my father hated me because I was a girl and had "big lips". I was bullied at school. "Brace face" (I had to get braces because of the overbite from sucking my thumb), "crater face", and "thunder thighs" were the names I was called daily.
I longed to be someone - anyone - other than myself.
As I write this, I am realizing that to say I don't know how I got into aerobics is incorrect - especially since I am talking about the power of the mind. In my attempt to get away from a negative body image (low body esteem) I manifested the solution. This was during the early eighties. Aerobics was the hottest thing moving. I remember seeing women in their leotards and leg-warmers dance- exercising (Jane Fonda was everywhere) and I was hooked. I started doing the workouts I saw on television and followed articles in the magazines I was reading. I loved the way my body moved and how much fun it was, and that I was in control of what I did.
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Not long after I started doing aerobics, I started dancing. Fame, Flashdance, Beat Street, and White Nights were movies that transformed my life. Debbie and Leroy fascinated me!!! I wanted to become a dancer and move like them. I shadow danced in my room and had my own performances. I would see the moves in my head and do them. It was in my small bedroom that I learned that my body would do what I envisioned in my mind. I never told anyone about my desire to become a dancer. I just kept it in my head and lived it out in my room.
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Then, I started running and experienced the "runner's high".
I started out sprinting on the track team during my freshman year in high school. I was fast and loved the way I "took flight" (that's what it felt like when I hit my stride and the air rushed past my face). But, I wasn't as fast as my dad thought I should be. I ran the 440 relay, 220, and 100. During the only meet he attended I came in second during the 100 yard dash- literally seconds behind the winner- and he lost his mind. He made me sprint up and down the driveway of our apartment complex for a couple of hours. He was yelling at me and degrading me to the point that I started crying. Our neighbors were standing on their balconies watching. I was so humiliated. I finished track season but didn't return my sophomore year. I started running distance on my own.
He couldn't control that.
I would run for hours… just enjoying my body and the invinsibility that came with it. That was an epic period for me because I learned that the same feeling I felt as I wrote was the same feeling I experienced as I ran…
Freedom.
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In 1985, when I was thirteen years old, I started bodybuilding and my captivation with the mind/body/spirit connection exploded. I thought my way through my first few months of training. I lived in Muscle and Fitness and Flex magazines. I'd see myself doing the workouts in the magazines before I went to sleep and then I would walk into the community center' weight room and do exactly what I'd envisioned with ease -it was second natured movements as if I'd been doing them my entire life.
After my first competition, I brought everything together. My life centered around bodybuilding, aerobics and running, dancing and writing. I was evolving at an incredible rate. My home life was getting darker but light was intensifying within me.
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The next phase I moved into was paramount.
I saw an advertisement for L. Ron Hubbard's "Dianetics" series. It was the book and brain entrainment videos. As I watched the commercial, I "knew" deep within that I needed it. I felt like it was calling me.
I was fourteen years old!!!!
I remember that moment perfectly. I was sitting on the floor in front of the television feeling a tremendous affinity with the information coming through the air waves. I marvel at how young I was and the fact that I was in such a state of awareness of something I had no intellectual knowledge about but had a profound intuitive understanding that I needed that information - immediately. I knew that I needed "Dianetics" in my life like I needed bodybuilding.
My mother bought the entire series and I devoted myself to it.
Here's the thing: Once I started reading the book, I intuitively understood what Hubbard was teaching. It was like I was being reminded about the metaphysical relationship between the mind and body. I easily understood his discussion about aberration of the mind and mental fractures. I also realized that I had been close to experiencing varying degrees of both of them. It felt like something was uncovered in my soul- a wisdom and understanding was being called forth.
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Shortly after I finished that study, I met Buddha and was introduced to spirituality.
I met Janie on the track team. She was shorter than me and had the audacity to hurdle! I loved her for that. She was barely taller than the hurdles but she conquered them. I get chills thinking about how she easily glided over each one. We quickly became friends and running buddies. We'd meet long before sunrise and be in a fantastic stride to meet the sun as it grace the horizon. We would run all over Barstow. One morning, we stopped at a gas station on Main Street. A motorist looked at us and said, "Hey, didn't I just see you guys over on the bridge?" I'll never forget the look of amazement on his face. "Yep', we said simultaneously and took off.
When we weren't running, we'd talk about spirituality. I remember telling her that I felt like something was changing within me; like something was coming alive, calling and pulling me somewhere. She asked if I felt scared by "it". I told her no -that I felt safe and trusted "it". We both agreed that it was like "meeting the sunrise" - an indescribable essence of power and beauty. She knew exactly what I meant even though I had a hard time articulating it.
She introduced me to Buddhism by giving me her "portable" alter. She told me to sit in front of it and chant "Nam-myoho-renge-kyo". I was excited and intrigued. I took it home and immediately sat with it.
The moment I opened it, I felt a warmth in my solar plexus. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. The warmth increased and began radiating upward to the top of my head and back down to the end of my tailbone. I began chanting. At about the fifth chant, I felt as if I'd left the room. The "box" began to shake and I was lifted off of the floor! I stopped chanting and held my breath. Instantly, I hit the floor with a thud and was "back" in my room.
I immediately stood up, gathered my friends' alter, and took it right back to her.
"No, thank you," I kindly said as I handed it to her after she opened her front door.
That little intro into the spirit world pulled me further into the body/mind/spirit connection.
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In 1987, I competed in my second bodybuilding competition. I was fifteen and felt like I had found my "home". Being surrounded by women who had the same passion for fitness as I did and understood how I felt was incredible. Several of the women talked with me and told me that I was "absolutely" uncommon and gifted beyond belief. When I left that show, I knew I wanted to be in the fitness industry. I wanted to become Ms. Olympia and have my own business. I knew I didn't want to have a traditional gym but I didn't know why.
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Twenty-five years later - after a whole lot of pain and loss, finding and losing my 'self ' repeatedly - I found out the reason why.
It was 2006.
I was in excruciating emotional and mental pain.
My husband had abandoned me for meth and another woman.
I had no family to turn to. All I had was my children, a crushed soul, and my faith in God.
My relationship with Him was beyond solid. Because my outside world was becoming harder to deal with, I began spending more time in His presence.
This particular day will forever be highlighted in my mind:
I was in a terrible, terrible place. Tears were streaming down my face as I begged my husband to stay home. I was almost hysterical as I held his hand trying to keep him from walking out the door. He pulled his hand from mine, looked straight into my eyes and said, "No."
And walked out the door.
It felt as if my heart had been snatched from my chest. I fell to my knees and howled in agony. I crawled- literally crawled- to our bedroom. I laid on the floor, on my face, and screamed until I was hoarse.
I only had enough strength to take a deep breath.
A supernatural silence fell upon me.
God spoke, "That's enough. Get up and listen to Me."
I got up, wiped my face and sat on the side of the bed facing the dresser mirror. I stared at the distraught, broken women looking back at me. I couldn't believe I was her.
God continued:
"You are no more the same and you are NO LONGER HIS. Give yourself wholly to Me. I will never leave you nor forsake you. Though this furnace will be heated ten times more than you can stand- YOU WILL STAND. I WILL BE WITH YOU. I WILL GUIDE AND PROTECT YOU. I WILL BE WITH YOU AND YOU WILL COME OUT AS PURE GOLD. You are my royal diadem. I hold you in the palm of my hand and, in due season, I will show you before the world as my CHOSEN - my vessel of honor that will not be denied. From this moment forth you will pen our Communion so that others may read and thereby be lifted, guided, strengthened, and enlightened."
From that moment forward, I wrote out our my devotions - which I began calling my Communion time.
Through all of the twists and turns, highs and lows, I would write everything we discussed. Over time, angels and other spiritual beings would speak with me. I am saddened to say that I have lost many of my journals. I have tried my hardest to keep up with them. Sometimes leaving my clothing or shoes just to make sure I could carry my journals. However, I couldn't keep up with the majority of them.
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In 2016, I lost my job due to a back injury which led to losing my apartment as well. I was staying with my daughter, who was staying with a friend of hers. My middle son had just graduated high school. My eldest son was starting his MMA career. I had found Planet Fitness in Riverside, California, and set my mind to start competing again.
My middle son and I had finished working out and were driving on the freeway. Out of nowhere, as I changed lanes to exit the freeway, an epiphany manifested explaining why I didn't want a traditional gym:
I was on a mission.
I had a purpose.
I wanted to have a holistic training center for the body, soul, and spirit - a place where people could go to find their authentic self - their true identity. Because that what I was doing. I realized that my life and all that I was enduring would become a guiding light for others.
I couldn't believe it! Everything started to come together in my mind. Much like how "Dianetics" had uncovered truths I had already known, the truth of my purpose had been revealed to me but I had known it all along.
I immediately wrote it down and shared it with my children. I was ecstatic as I explained that my vision had three components: body (physical training to fit every one), soul (the arts -dance, spoken word, poetry, music, theater, art, literature), and spirit (meditation, prayer, study groups, inspirational/motivational seminars, retreats, etc.).
All in one place.
A few nights after that, I awoke with a start. It felt like someone shook me. I heard:
"You will call it 'Revelations' because you are My Revelator."
I was speechless and cried. I felt like a river was flowing from a deep in my soul. Then God reminded me of a vision and a promise He had made to me a few years BEFORE my husband left. He showed me an unfinished, marred vase that was placed in a dry, desolate land. Water was pouring into it from Heaven causing it to tip slightly and overflow onto the ground. The vase was suspended in the tilt while the water continuously flowed into it and out at the same time.
He said,
"You are my CHOSEN VESSEL. I will pour into you as you pour into others and water their dry land and give life to dying souls."***
I had held on to that vision and promise for years. At that moment, on a couch amidst gangsters, drug dealers, prostitutes, and pimps the vision received its' name and my purpose and mission was conceived in my soul.
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In 2021, as I was preparing for *the OCB Volunteer State Competition, I decided to start making short Instagram videos of my journey back to the stage. Each morning I would share what I had received during my Communion time or throughout the day to help encourage others as I fulfilled a long awaited dream. After the first one I was so proud of myself because I had wanted to do videos for a few years. I sat basking in my accomplishment. Then like a lightning flash I saw the name of my vision! I had been calling it Revelations but it hadn't felt quite right. At that moment, I was totally in Spirit, and realized why. What I saw was REVELATIONZ - with a Z at the end not a S. The Z is for Zalika which is my middle name.
It means perfect birth or well born!
He spoke,
"The Revelations you bring into the world will lead others into the perfect birth of their authentic self."
… And REVELATIONZ was born.
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"It only takes one Revelation to Revolutionize your life." Ms. Asha
©2022, Asha Carraway
I love how you are sharing your light with the truth you tell. This helped me and I know it will help others too! Please don't stop.
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