I closed my eyes and was instantly there- that space “between my breaths”. Colors immediately began to appear in the center of the darkness. I felt fluidity within myself as the colors started to breathe.
Purple appeared, took a breath and expanded as lungs do. It enlarged until it covered the darkness. On the exhalation, its size slowly decreased until it became green. Green breathed back into purple which became orange breathing back into green. I felt myself without the restraints of my physical body- flowing with the colors, breathing within a breathless space, becoming more expansive.
The colors slowly faded until darkness remained. Rapid flashes of golden specks began to come towards me. Inches from my face, a large burst of golden white light appeared and I found myself back in Tennessee.
I was in my ex-husband's bedroom hovering close to the ceiling in the corner of the room where my desk used to be. I felt compressed by the tension surrounding me. I sensed emotional distress.
He was asleep. I looked for myself next to him where I would have been but I was not there.
Suddenly, there was a powerful pulling force that seemed to collide into me from within me. Upon impact, I witnessed my soul lift out of his body and float backward towards me. It was faint, lithe, and shadowy- much like televisions portrayal of an apparition.
I, the physical me sitting cross-legged on the bed, began to cry — very aware of the warmth of the tears streaming down my face.
The other I, hovering close to the ceiling, felt her (me floating backwards) getting lighter the further away from him she got until, delicately, entering me. We looked upon him and accepted the finality of the moment.
Slowly we retreated from the room and appeared in the living room where his mother and uncles were sitting. The physical me felt the cold temperature within the room and the heaviness of the atmosphere. We felt an urgency and then the powerful pulling force again. Fragmented parts of my soul lifted from each of them, hovered momentarily and drifted backwards towards us.
The physical I did not cry this time- only bowed her head and nodded.
A sense of relief surrounded all of us.
Slightly quicker than before we, unified I, floated down the hall and into what had been Azra’s room. He was asleep on top of the covers. We went to him and lifted his little soul self up, cradled him in our arms, and ascended out of the house.
Above the city. we saw the places I had come to love dearly and considered my sanctuaries: Gold’s gym, my chiropractor’s office, the park, and libraries. Physical I wept as she felt the peace and security each place had given her.
The city began to fade as we returned to physical me.
Azra was sleeping. Little soul Azra was released to reunite with himself.
The retrieved fragments of my soul, reunited within my physical self.
In my mind's eye I saw an aerial view of the house. Like folding a piece of paper to put in an envelope, I folded the house tightly upon itself, lifted it in the palms of my hands towards Heaven and released it to God.
My true and complete emancipation came with the realization that that part of my life was what it needed to be then but is no longer now and will never be again…
…AND my acceptance that what is to be will be ALL that I choose for it to be because I am now WHOLE- unified within myself- and FREE to be ALL that I CHOOSE TO BE.
©2022, Asha Carraway
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